It has been a year!

Wow it has been a year since the last time I posted, ermm let's see..
I broke up, (yah finally) like a couple of months ago, and stopped contacting since 5-6 weeks ago, the reason is erm..can't really remember, I only remember she didn't respect me (still!). I was giving advices on her the last time we spoke, but she hung up.

What else.. ermmm..I start to develop feelings for my friend, damn me (I know..) but yes I'm trying my best to suppress it, why? erm because she's a good friend. (or maybe because she isn't responding as much as she did? lol)

Oh ya, I started my masters course, it's a one year course. Next week is the 4th week, and I have 2 presentations and 1 short essay due on Tuesday...

Anndddd...oh I live with my brother now, not the best place, but it's quite nice though, and quiet.
I lost one good friend, and regain one good friend who had been ignoring me for the last 2 years... oh well they come and go..

I'm in love with my new alienware laptop, it's small, not as heavy as the previous one, and it's awesome.

friends' responses

"she isnt for you"
"one day she will meet a guy, and she will obey that guy to the letter"
"i pity your future children if you marry her"
"you are an idiot"
"why the fuck do you still love her"

fuck it

No one

I know you don't wanna be with me, I know you regretted having me as your bf, I know you couldn't forget your ex, n you still prefer him than me. You referred him as "a good guy", you've never said a good thing about me, not a single good thing, unless when you've got what you wanted, you even called me a bad karma because you've been mean to him. You compared me to him many times, I've never compared you, I've told you I didn't like to be compared, yet you did. I still remember some parts of your messages to him, but you said you didn't have a heart for him anymore, well, that's not what I saw and felt. You might deny this, because you don't realise it.

You said you wanted to believe me, you didn't, you didn't even bother trying. What kind of gf doesn't believe her bf?? I've been so calmed, so nice, so loving you, but I never felt your love. You said you wanted to control your emotion, you didn't. You said you wanted me to lead the relationship, you rebelled all the time. You said I promised nice things easily and often broke them, well, you were the one who made me broke it, and don't forget that you did that as well, breaking your promises. You said we needed to nurture this relationship, well, in fact, I was the one with hardship, all you did was complaining, being angry, and being mean. You said if I loved you, I would listen to everything you said and obey. Everyone has their own limit. Don't be such a kid who thinks a girl has to be spoilt.

No one has ever disappointed me this much, no one.

fuck it

"fuck your love"
"your love is bullshit"

the very nice words said by her

envy

last night i saw a friend of mine with her boyfriend
we talked
she introduced her boyfriend to me
"this is *****, my boyfriend"

ah..lucky guy
i envy him

not because he's got her

because i never got introduced as my girlfriend's boyfriend
all she said is "this is ******"





sad

the word of "love"

does she really love me?

she said she does
she said she wants to spend her lifetime with me
she said she wants to be the mother of my children

but she does things i dont like

"you might not feel or see that i love you now, but i really do. pls do more sacrifice while we are far away from each other, i will sacrifice more when we are together"

there you go
friends complained to me:
"why are you so lifeless?"
"why are you being an anti-social?"
"you werent like this"
"go have fun mate"

my response:
"nah..im ok like this, im kinda enjoying it"

NO IM NOT
IM NOT FUCKING OK
I BEGIN TO HATE MY LIFE
I CANT GO ANYWHERE, EVERYTIME I GO SOMEWHERE SHE WOULD BE ANGRY
FOR FUCK SAKE SHE STILL DOESNT TRUST ME

and sometimes she asks me
"are you going somewhere today?"
or
"why arent you going anywhere lately?"

WHY THE FUCK DO YOU ASK THAT?
ISNT THE ANSWER OBVIOUS???

i know her, i dont wanna let her down, but i dont think i can
let's see how much longer i can do this

nothing

everything i do is wrong
everything i do is never enough
i hate to be told
i know it's for my own good
but even if i agree you would complain some more

scenario one
her: you are fat, go lose some weight
me: why would i
her: !&%&*$%^&£$^*£%*(

scenario two
her: you are fat, go lose some weight
me: ok
her: dont just say ok, do it, i dont see you put any effort, you see blablablablablabla

scenario three
her: you are fat, go lose some weight
me: today's weather is nice
her: ..........

whatever

you know me
i know you